Popping Melly in the Clurbbbbb

I popped a Melly last night.  Doesn’t that sound like some exotic club drug all the kids are taking?  It’s really just my nickname for Melatonin.  It's a natural sleeping aide, but it sounds way more exciting if I just say I popped a few Melly’s last night.  I’ve actually never been a drug person.  In fact, two years ago, I was at Lollapalooza and I vowed never to go back after seeing so many kids being carried out on stretchers.  It depressed the fuck out of me.   Anyway, I don’t even really take over the counter drugs unless it’s really necessary.  I just feel like there’s better ways to heal. 

I popped the Melatonin, watched SNL, and settled into bed ready to get a goodnights sleep.  No dice.  I couldn’t sleep.  I tossed and turned all night.  I crawled into bed at midnight, and at 3am I was still not able to fall asleep.  The Melatonin usually works.  It didn’t.  Sometimes I struggle to shut off my brain.  As much as I want to, I’m just not able to.

I’ve never been a good sleeper.  When I was kid I would make my mom stay up until I fell asleep.  I was scared of everything.  I didn’t like sleeping even as a kid.  My mom would stay up watching the news or some sitcom on TV, or doing things around the house until I finally passed out.  Even as a child though, my brain would keep running.  I remember being a kid, and for some reason, all the anxiety would hit me at night.  It’s not much different as an adult.

My days are busy, between work and my social life and just trying to keep my life organized and running.  I’m not good with silence –I constantly want people around me to distract me from thinking.  Last night though, I couldn’t kick the anxiety, about how this new job is overwhelming me.  About how I feel like I’m not good enough at this, and a lot of other things.  About how busy I am the next few weeks.  About my personal life and why it didn’t work out the way I thought it would.  Social media distracts me, as I’m checking in at 2am.  No one is up at 2am you idiot…

There’s too much distraction for my generation.  There’s too much going on, and if you don’t want to ever shut down you don’t have to.  I often times chose never to shut down.  It exhausts me.  I go on minimal sleep quite often.   That’s not healthy.  Sleep is essential.  I know that, but not even the drugs work. 

I finally fell asleep around 3:30am.  I was up by 7:30am.  I cannot sleep in -there's too much to do.  I went to the gym, and I got an Americano on the way home, and here I am at 5:30pm hoping tonight is different.  Maybe at the end of the day, I’m still just still that kid, laying in bed, scarred of everything around him… except this time, there's no one waiting up for me to fall asleep. You're on your own kiddo...