This is the Last Time... Promise...

This is the last time I’ll talk about this.  I promise. 

Last night I was out, watching the Cubs game.  Snapchat refreshed.  Who is he with? I guess he’s moved on.  I took it personally.  You’re throwing it in my face.  It was too much for me to handle.  I drew the line.  I blocked on all social media channels.   I don’t want to know.  This is about to get really fucking candid… but here we go…. Bare with me.

I’m 32.  I spent my 20’s being dumb, and dating everyone, and being super indecisive about what I wanted out of life.  That’s ok to do in your 20s.  By 30 I knew what I wanted.  I was no longer that confused kid trying to figure it out.  I can tell you exactly who is right for me.  I thought he was right for me.  He was kind, and sweet, and he was genuine.  He had a good relationship with his family, and a good group of friends.  Those are things I need in a partner. We spent a lot of time together.  Hey, meet my mom… hey, meet my closest friends… I’ll let you into my world in a way I haven’t with anyone else.  I fell for him in a way I didn’t expect to.  It consumed me.  And I was ok with it.  

And then it was done.   And I look back at the photos on my phone.  It was ok in July. What happened in three months?  How did we let that go?  Could I have fought for it?  Could we have fought for it?  There wasn’t enough closure for me. 

This is my closure.  I wanted it to work.  I’m sorry it didn’t. I'm sorry for the role I played in that. Here’s my truth though… I’m human.  I’m flawed.  I’m sometimes broken.  I’m not perfect.  I’m the brown kid that grew up in Chicago.  A little rough around the edges.   I’m also the kid that worked really hard to get to where I am.  I’m funny, and I’m driven.  I’m the guy that will work really fucking hard to make you happy.  The person that will get along with your parents… assure them you’re in good hands.   I’m the guy that will make sure you don’t stress out about the little things…. I’ll fix those things.  I will remember not to put onions in the tacos, and to save you a piece of the red pepper.  And I will always make sure you’re ok.  Even if it’s at my own expense. I’m that guy.  That is who I am.

I wish things would have gone differently.  I was left broken.  I don’t let people close enough to break me.  I did this time though. 

My friends got married in June.  I was the MC.  They picked John Legends, ‘All of me,’ as their wedding song.  I made the intro.  Please welcome to the floor for their first dance… and I hit play.  I looked up, from across the floor, and he stood next to my mom, and we made eye contact.  I smiled, and he smiled back, and in that one single moment I felt different. I wanted to always feel that way.   I’m 32.  I know what I want.   I wanted that.  To always feel different.  

This is probably too much to post.  It’s honest, and raw.  But it’s real life.   I needed to tell this story.  For my own sake.  It's so easy to be mad, or angry, but let's be honest... in life, the best thing to be is grateful.  I'm sad right now... but I'll be ok.  With gratitude.... -Henry.