Do What Feels Right...

I cancelled on a wedding this past weekend.  I was a plus one.  I couldn’t do it.  I was in a weird place.  I couldn’t be around people.  I felt bad, as I sent the text, ‘I’m sorry.  I just cant do it.’  I’ve been sick.  Some weird coughing thing the doctor said was nothing, and would pass.  I shouldn’t be smoking –I’m sure that doesn’t help.  I had a little bit of a meltdown about something else, and so between those two factors I just couldn’t do it.

I do improv around the city.  I get on a stage searching for a laugh and validation. And even outside of that I’m so fucking annoying.  It’s like I’m constantly screaming, ‘pay attention to me, please.’  It’s obnoxious.  I don’t know how to shut off.  I don’t know how to sit and listen. 

Growing up I was never the popular kid.  In fact, I was kind of a loser who had no friends.  I had a few friends, but I was never the popular kid.  I kind of knew people that ran in various circles –the jocks, the nerds, the weird ones, etc.  I never had really close friends though.  I was shy and reserved.

I grew out of that in my 20’s.  I became someone different after college.  I know why, but I’ll save that story for another time. I have a great social circle now.  This past weekend, as I hung out with friends, I chatted about the struggle of working at home.  I miss being around people.  What about the other people that work remotely she asked.  We talk occasionally I guess.  ‘Henry, you’re an organizer.  You bring people together.  It’s what you do.  Just build a community.  Even if it’s virtually.’  She is right.  I bring people together.  I’m good at it.

In turn, I’m constantly trying to be funny, or entertaining. I get along with everyone.  I’m easy to talk to.  I’m genuine.  I’ll talk to your 80 year old grandmother and be polite and kind, and then I will entertain you’re 10 year old cousin, and I’ll dance with your mom.  I’ll sit at a dinner table of people I’ve never met, or hardly know, and we will all be best friends by the end of that dinner.  I bring people together. 

I don’t know how to turn that off.  That part of my personality is like autopilot.  I want us all to be friends.  This weekend though, I couldn’t do it.  I don’t like letting people down.  I usually stretch myself thin trying to accommodate people.  I’ll make too many plans.  My friends wonder how I do it… so do I.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized sometimes you have do what’s best for you.  I did that this weekend.  I couldn’t be on.  I needed to be off.  I needed to be around people that I could just be me around.  Often times when I’m conflicted about something I’ll call my friend Amy, ‘’I don’t know what to do? What do you think I should do?  I just need advice.’  Her advice is consistent…. ‘Babe, do what feels right… ya gotta do what’s best for you.’  I’m getting better at taking that advice.  This weekend was best for me.  I hate letting people down, but that’s life… sometimes you let people down.