It's All Going to be OK.

I took a year off from working.  I needed a break.  Ad sales is difficult -and the pressure is always there.  Am I doing enough?  Why am I not being successful?  What am I am doing wrong?  I had a good day, maybe it isn’t so bad?  I couldn't take it.  The stress was too much.  It was making me unhappy and unhealthy.  I had enough.  So I walked away for a year.   I needed to center to myself… I needed to find myself.

I spent a year doing nothing.  Well, not nothing, but you know… nothing.  For a year, my life consisted of me being able to do whatever I wanted.  I would wake-up, make breakfast, go to the gym for two hours, paint, write, do my improv stuff, take Billie to the dog beach... I spent a year doing everything I love to do.  I spent a year taking my life back.

I lost my job in July of 2015.  I was lucky.  I had saved up some money, I was able to collect unemployment, and found ways to cut corners.  Immediately after it happened though I was terrified.  At 2pm I text my friend Tammy, ‘I just got laid off..’ She replied quickly, ‘I just got home… want to go have a margarita…?’  In that immediate panic that my life was falling apart, she calmed me.  Told me I would be ok.  She was right… I would be ok.

I woke up the next day.  I felt immediate relief.  I didn’t have anywhere to be, or anyone to answer to.  I was in charge here.  It was July, and it was early.  I love summer mornings in Chicago,  “Billie, let’s go for a walk.” We took an hour-long walk –the neighborhood was quiet and still.  I felt still. We walked to my favorite coffee shop.  Smiled at the moms walking with their kids.  I felt guilty, for not giving a fuck that this was my new life. 

My family and friends panicked.  For a year, ‘Are you ok?  Is everything alright?’  Everything was fine.  I was fine.  I was happy.  I was so fortunate to have had a year to recharge, to do the creative things that actually make me happy.  It wasn’t all easy, toward the end of that year I had to take money out of places I didn’t want to, and to be honest my parents helped me out a bit with little things.  Most people might not say that out loud?  But honestly, that’s my fucking truth.  And it was ok.  I was so lucky to have a support system.  I was not alone. 

I went back to Sales in September.  This past Monday night in Manhattan, I had dinner at Wolfgang's Steakhouse.  One of the top 10 steakhouses in NYC.  I looked around the room, after spending a long day in sales training with all of our upper management.  We talked about the future of our small start-up… what’s working what’s not?  I sat at that dinner, and I had this weird realization… you are back.  You are here.  You are fine. 

I’ll be forever grateful for that year off.  For the people that got me through it.  That year changed me.  It made me different.  It’s the reason this blog exists.  It made me take a hard look at my life.  What makes you happy, Henry?  A few months in… I search to find balance between the things I love to do, and the things I need to do to support myself.  Balance is tangible.  I know it. 

I’m happy right now.  My job is great.  The company is based in Canada.  They are overly nice, and overly polite.  I find time to write, and do improv, and I need to pick up a paintbrush soon… and I will.  I’m not going to the gym six days a week… but three to four days is good, and I’ll get back to six.  Balance is hard.  I’ll find it though.  I now know what I need in my life to make me happy.  I know what tools are needed… and I’m responsible for finding them… and using them.  This week was weird.  It was busy, and I spent a lot of time with my team.  But I had this feeling of.. I am fine… but the truth is, I was fine all along.  I realize that… now.