Balance.
In a cab ride last weekend, ‘I don’t know, I just don’t understand how people become so consumed with their relationships they stop seeing and talking to their friends. I just could never be that person.’ Let me be very clear before I dive into this, I am not being critical when I say that. I believe you have to do what’s best for you and your relationship, and I can respect you for that. Do what feels right. What I am saying, is that I literally can’t wrap my head around how one does that. I am not capable. I cannot, and will not, abandon the ship. This is the reason why…
I hate being alone. I need people around me. Strangers will do. When I can’t find anyone to hang out with me I’ll joke that I have no friends. That could not be further from the truth. I have a lot of friends. In fact, often times it’s difficult to find time to see all of them. My social calendar is a mess. I like it that way.
Monday morning, I text my friends last minute, asking if they would dog sit for me while I’m away for work. Without any hesitation they responded yes. A few years back the electricity went out in my apartment, and I was at home with Billie. I called my friend Allison, ‘the electricity is out and I don’t know what to do.’ ‘Ok, just come over we’re just home watching TV. Stay as long as you need to.’ When I lived in the suburbs for a year I basically lived on Amy’s couch –she only complained once and it was a fair complaint. My friends and I are like a small tribe, and we all do our part to make our group a little better.
I’ll call Amy on a Monday morning, ‘Wait, get this… I’m the absolute worst.’ She will listen, and she will remind me I’m fine. She will tell me, ‘Eh it’s a learning experience, babe, it’s fine.’ I will believe her, whether it’s true or not. My friend Amanda came by last week, we had a few, “this is our last glass of wine,” moments, before finally opening up the shitty bottle. That wine was so shitty it really was our last glass. I told her a story followed by, ‘I really shouldn’t have done that.’ She laughed, ‘well, probably not, but what are you going to do now.’ She reminded me it wasn’t really my problem, and I wasn’t necessarily in the wrong. Perspective. Over the weekend I was chatting about my improv show last week, and my friend reminded me I’m being coy when I try to not acknowledge how much I love improv and writing. I reminded her I was turning 33 in a few weeks. The ship has sailed. ‘You’re not that old Henry, I was your age when I moved to Chicago with no friends or family here. It’s not to late for you. Find what you love and do it.’
This is why I can’t abandon the ship. I cannot walk away. I will not find one person that could replace all the other people in my life. That is not possible. I will never be that person that starts dating someone and just dips out on everyone else, or stops showing up. I need my friends to remind me of who I am when I am lost. I need to know, that if I fall apart someone who knows how to put me back together will be there. Although, maybe I’m wrong and I’ll just be single forever… but like, all my weekends for December are already really busy with birthday and holiday parties, and I’m going to all of them. On the bright side, if you want to date me you get to meet some really great people.